Roland's Tutorian Campaign

Session 4
Lets see whats behind door no. 1...

We go into the next room through the big ass wooden door. We find some kobolds. they are not milling around.

The party has to squeeze through the wooden door. Ana fails, and then attempts to smash the door instead. She rolls a smash check, and fails. Roland rolls a smash check, and surprise surprise, he wins.

Ana runs towards the non-milling kobolds and falls into a pit!

Turrets fire crap at Roland. He gets cross bolts stuck in his back. They throw more crap at our new ally Copperknight.

Cowardly Kobolds take some pot shots at Ana in the pit and miss.

Maravein is lagging behind the party and runs to catch up.

Heroic Roland attempts to help Ana out of the pit. She is an 8 foot tall barbarian stuck in a 20 foot deep pit, this doesn’t happen very often, understandably she is a little pissed off.thanks to Roland she manages to climb 15 feet out of the pit.

Lyantra casts some magical crap and pushes kobold no 1 into the water. It now has a wet bum.

To recap: on entering the cavern Copperknight yelled in indignation that the fool kobolds had mined into the aquifer. This is why the cavern is now half flooded.

Turrets fire some more cross bolts at Ana. She is currently vulnerable climbing out of the pit. She is now on 1 hp.

Maravein and Fluffy to the rescue!

Maravein suddenly notices a secret panel in the wall. Kim thinks this must be a DM Boss Mode escape route.

Ana has a sudden burst of rage and vaunts out of the pit. She knocks Roland over on the way. Still pissed off at the pit, she jumps 15 feet over the pit, and makes a running attack at one of the turrets, but misses.

Turret makes attack at Lyantra, she is now bloodied.

Maravein comes to the rescue yet again and throws some heals around.

Roland uses thievery on the secret panel and aims turrets at himself. He then proceeds to be reduced to 1 hp.

Evil ass kobold priest uses cold magic. Ana is again reduced to 2 hp.

Maravein has no healing powers left to help the party, so decides tog o on the offensive. She throws her magical weight around.

Ana finally gets to hit something. it dies.

Something takes a shot at Ana. She is on 2hp. Luckily it misses.

Roland, having disabled the turrets, charges the kobolds. He provokes an attack of opportunity by said kobold. He gets his ass handed to him. He is now on -1hp.

Ana takes a shot at said kobold, but misses.

Last remaining kobold dives into the water, taking one last hit at Copperknight on the way.

Copperknight takes a shot at kobold, which is now bloodied.

Ana fails hardcore and rolls the second natural 1 in a row.

Kobold runs away, provoking attack of opportunity, but Ana misses, again.

Copperknight takes a swing at fleeing kobold and owns it.

Roland is still dead.

Maravein finally passes heal check, Roland becomes not-dead.

We survey our loot. We find 1 dirty sock. And yet another set of erotic playing cards, the summer edition this time. Lyantra gets rather excited.

Copperknight explores the cavern. He makes a rather inspiring speech.

We also find some parchment saying basically not to let those meddling adventurers interrupt the ritual.

We interupt session to buy sushi cat chocolate, because the big bad mean and nasty DM ate her boost bar.

After an excilerating woollies experience, we return with enough chocolate to sink a battleship. To go with the cheese we have to provision an army through WWIII, and of course enough Diet Coke to feed an undeveloped country.

Resume session.

We discuss our further exploration options. Option 1 goes underwater where kobolds have minned into the aquifer. If we take this way Copperknight cannot join us because he is short. Option 2 is through a large stone door which Copperknight says is the tomb of his ancestors. Magical checks reveal a whole heap of serious magical crap going on behind the door.

We approach the door and have to pass some complicated skill challenge to get in.

Roland attempts to use theivery to get inside.

Ana reads the door that says she needs a dwarf friend to get inside.

“Oi Copperknight?, You’re my friend yeah?”

“Ei lass, Ya saved me life once”

She points at Copperknight. “See? Can we go inside now?”

In some bizarre way, this counts as a success.

Lyantra rolls some history checks.

Ana tries again to diplomacy the door open, but rolls a 3 and cant understand why the door wont let her in. She waves her fist threateningly at the door.

Her next turn she whines at the door.

The door speaks in dwarvish to Ana and Copperknight, and then opens.

“Yay! I win!”

We enter the room and find several defilled graves. We also find several hardcore zombies. The days of easymode kobolds are over!

Its the zombie apocolypse! Good thing we ran all those intervals!

Zombie queen yells at us. Copperknight takes a swing at zombie no.1 and misses.

Ana flies into a rage because she hardly got to hit anything last round, she does 10 damage to zombie no.1.

Roland attempts a flanking manover and fails.

Copperknight attempts to reason with the dead queen. Maravein also gives it a shot, but both fail.

2 zombies gang up on Ana. Dwarf zombie king also takes some shots at Ana in Thor hammer throwing fashion.

Zombie no.1 needs to get owned before Copperknights diplomacy can be heard above groaning of zombies. Kim gives a demonstration.

Ana takes a swing at zombie no 1 and does 23 damage.

Kim and Brenton come up with a theory as to why Roland keeps failing vault checks. His longsword keeps getting in the way. He should get it seen to.

Lyantra attempts diplomacy again. “Dwarf here! Dwarf! Dwarf!” Suprisingly, it fails.

Brenton admits he sucks cocks and doesnt care.

Lyantra threatens to chromatic orb the queens ass if she continues on her current course of action.

Queen sets her husband on the party. King throws his storm hammer again. He has been watching too much Thor.

Lyantra decides to daily the queens ass.

Ana devastating strikes the zombies ass, and then intimidates the queen, waving her mace around and having just smashed a zombie in half with said mace.

Lyantra attemtps to chromatic orb the queen, but misses. But thats ok because the queen still takes 1 d10 damage, plyus ongoing poison damage. Take that!

Zombie no. 1 bites the dust.

Ana takes some crap. She throws her sack of dragon meat at the king. “Theres your dragon. You’re next!”

Ana takes a hit from dwarf king’s storm hammer and now is on -2 hp.

Roland attempts to save Ana. He succeeds! (for once) She is now on 0 hp.

We succeed in annoying ass skill challenge. Last zombie crumbles into dust. Ana calls socks who eats dragon meat off kings feet.

We find no loot except secret god mode panel.

We have charge to find kings sword.

We find one fake crown, and one ancient spoon. May the adventures continue long.

Session Three
More Kobold sandwich meat for Socks

We are faced with the agonising decision to take an extended rest or not. We decide not to allow the kobolds time to regroup or make any more forts out of bar furniture.

We retcon last sessions intended extended rest period.

Lyantra loots some erotic playing cards from the illegal kobold gambling ring.

Everyone cleans the splattered blood of their equipment. Lyantra and Maravein do a jazz routine. Everyone uses some healing surges so as not to be near death.

Lyantra notices it is dark and following her mothers advice about things that hide in the dark, she takes an everburning torch from her backpack.

Brenton attempts a female voice and fails miserably.

The party has a discussion about if to take an extended rest or not. Maravein summons some spirits to ask about kobolds.

Maravein suddenly feels cold inside and a chill wind blows past. He interprets this as some information about kobolds serventile nature. These particular kobolds seem to be in service to a white dragon.

Lyantra, Maravein and Ana pay Roland out about his fail vault checks.

Ana and Roland have a conversation in broken common because they both have an int score of 8.

The whole party agrees that Roland should not vault things.

As we follow Roland the tard down the passage way, it gets colder and we hear kobolds running away from us. Probably because of the last lot that we turned into kitty lunch meat.

We come to a large iron gate. Roland observes that they have iron. Ana holds up her mace “I also have iron!” she yells and goes to smash the gate.

Lyantra stops her, makes a comment about stupid barbarians, suddenly realises the consequences of said comment, and immediately recants.

Ana raises her eyebrow at Lyantra, believes her bluffing, and then does some squats with her mace resting across her shoulders.

Lyantra flirts with Roland, and asks him to pick the lock. Roland does this while Joey makes and long speech in a Bastian accent.

Ana asks if she can smash the door already…and she gets a no, but she can smash anything inside into lunch meat for socks.

Roland and Ana kick down the door. Roland throws a sunrod into the room. We find a crapton of kobolds.

“All the more meat for my cat!” Ana yells.

Kim attempts to read the read-aloud text in a a hissy voice and fails miserably. Brenton Decides this is the result of the many echos in the stone room. This sounds like a perfectly reasonably excuse.

We see a baby white dragon on a dwarvan Ikea throne, reflected in a convenient;ly located DM boss mode mirror.

Many kobolds are also milling around doing their taxes and swapping recipes.

We request a surprise round because the read-aloud text fails so hardcore.

Roland charges into the fray, screaming bloody glory and attempt to smash kobolds into bits.

Lyantra runs in and throws some chaos bolts around. The kobold she aimed at dodges and pushes his friend into the way instead. Kobold no. 2 dies.

Ana charges in but her howling strike bounces ineffecively off kobold armor.

Kobolds surround Ana on all sides, then 3 more arrive back from their baking and join the battle.

Maravein and Lyantra look at each other and sigh at the barbarians stupidity. they have a lot of work ahead of them.

Ana takes a lot of crap and is left with just 2 hit points.

The nasty-ass baby white dragon attempts to breath on the party. But fails.

Roland moves around the pillar to assist Ana. One kobold bites the dust. Ana also moves two squares away from the crap she had gotton herself into.

Lyantra throws some chaos bolts around. This kobold also diverts the damage to his comrade.

Ana spends her action point to save her own ass.

The baby white dragon attempts to slash at Roland. It fails. Kobolds make a whirlwind attack again Lyantra and cut some of her hair.

Fluffy lols at kobolds attempts to attack it.

Maravein uses her daily, Wrath of the Spirit World, hitting the baby white dragon and 2 kobolds. Both kobolds die.

Ana flies into a rage, rolfstomping kobold no 1. She then spends an action point and crits, roflmao stomping no. 2.

Roland takes a swing at the baby white dragon with a bonus of like a million.

The dragon attempts to use its breath weapon again and rolls two 1s and a 2. It then decides to make a run for it.

Maravein takes a shot at the dragon but misses. Roland surstrikes, and actually does some damage for once.

Ana runs to prevent cowardly dragon from getting away. While still in a rage, she uses devastating strike. Dragon dies. It can now be chopped up into and used as ham.

Socks is also fond of dragon. Ana uses her skinning knife to cut some dragon up for socks, who has suddenly appeared at the prospect of food.

We find some dwarves in a cage in the corner. Ana finds a mordincrad and uses it to crit the lock on the cage.

The dwarves get out and give Ana the mordincad. His friend is known as Dragonskinner. He is our reward for not taking an extended rest.

He makes some +1 magic armor for Maravein.

Ana takes the meat for socks, Dragonskinner makes her a sack for it out of kobold skin.

Copperknight tells us about the attack on the hold. And the treasure located behind the ornate stone doors at the other end of the room.

The party invites Copperknight to join the adventure and Ana reluctantly gives him back the mordincrad. She then takes her maul and sits in the front of the doors so that noone can smash it while she is sleeping.

Socks pigs out of kobold while Ana snores.

After an extended rest the party decides to move on into the treasure vault. Ana attempts to smash the door with her maul. Not much happens.

Ana and Roland brace themselves and attempt to push open the door. It groans open, revealing a dozen pairs of glowing red eyes and one ball of energy coming their way…

Session Two
Cheat Dice and Kobolds

Joey rolls the cheat dice and is the drinks bitch for the night. Kim rolls and loses her daily power: enrage, /sigh.

Joey asks for a sex toy.

Roland addresses the party is a douchy american accent. (apparently Bastian was cool…)

Anyway… Ana has PMS today and is quite bitchy. She holds back some snide remarks about Roland’s sudden extra special douchyness, almost as bad as that old gimptard in the forest.

Lyantra turns to the DM and gives him a filthy look “You think this is a m****r f*****g game?!”

She turns to page 253 in the player’s handbook and then makes some obscure gestures and a lot of noise while standing in a circle scratched into the dirt.

Ana raises her eyebrows, then does some squats, she sees this as a much better use of time.

Lyantra waves her staff over the mine, chanting loudly. No magic is detected.

Lyantra considers throwing the barbarian down the mine for being such a cow. she decides this is not only impossible, but probably a very stupid idea, even if Ana has lost her rage ability for the session.

Roland leads the conga line down the rope ladder and into the mine, Ana brings up the rear. it gradually gets darker and Roland makes a smart ass remark “I can’t exactly climb, lead and hold a torch here guys”

Ana yells back from the rear guard, “Thats because you’re male”

Ana is still being a cow, Lyantra takes an every burning torch from her backpack to light the way.

Roland halts the party and in his infinite wisdom reminds everyone to beware of danger.

Ana again makes a smart ass remark “What do you think we were prepared for? Fluffy bunnies?!”

Lyantra yells back “Do you mind! We’re being precautious!”

Apparently our mighty and wise DM is also making up words…

We reach the foot of the stair case and discover a pile of rubble, covered in blood. The kobolds have also used their bar furniture to make themselves a barricade.

Maravein makes a smart ass remark in Lyantra’s direction “Good job for throwing that last one down the mine and giving them time to fortify…”

The kobolds threaten us in very very broken common… But luckily Lyantras comprehend languages spell means we are also about to hear them snickering about their bluffs.

Lyantra gives a sunrod to the barbarian and suggests that the party could use some more light. Not knowing her own strength (and with a roll of 25) Ana throws the rod and it hits the farthest wall…

Revealing a nice tapestry depicting the battle between goblins and the knights of the hold. Lovely historical knowledge, but not actually useful combat wise…

Lyantra looks sideways at the goliath and sighs. Not understanding the point of the excerise, Ana cheers!

From the general direction of where the sunrod landed comes a swear word in an unknown language.

Ana runs into the fray with the to wail on one of the tables blocking the way (since Roland has previously shown his ineptitude at vaulting things). She stands in the fake magical circle, but rolls a 2 to hit, and nothing happens.

One evil ass kobold throws some magical crap at Ana, she is now on fire. She also has PMS, and just failed to roflstomp the table. She is not very happy.

Roland takes a swing at the table, it looks slightly damaged and has moved sideways.

Lyantra moves into the fray!

Brenton spends 5 mins attempting to add up damage and is threatened with the cheat dice.

After all that, he misses…

Maravein sends her spirit companion into bite some kobolds in the nuts.

The kobolds own poor Fluffy, and then throw some more firey crap around, but they fail and it misses. GG.

ANA is on fire, has PMS and failed to own the table last turn, so shes really pissed off! She charges at the nearest kobold and uses howling strike. (Howling strike. Can be used with charge)

She misses. And rages.

Roland attempts to vault the table again and fails, falling on his face. LOL.

Joey in his infinite PHD wisdom, names all the dice using their proper math names. Unfortunately, no one is impressed.

Lyantra does some mean ass thunder attacks and one kobold takes a thunder slam to the face, pulling down a tapestry in the process.

Which falls on Ana… who is no longer on fire, but now blinded and immobilised.

Maravein recalls her poor abused spirit companion, and then throws some heals around. Hoorah!

Kobolds push a statue onto Roland. Shockingly, he dodges! Another kobold stabs the giant goliath shaped lump through the tapestry. More kobolds appear out of the darkness! they are weedy looking… but theres 4 of them!

Ana finally gets her revenge scoring a critical hit! one kobold bites the dust and she roars in triumph, intimidating all nearby kobolds.

Roland takes a swing at one kobold attacking Maravein. It dies.

Lyantra throws some magical stuff around and another kobold dies.

Poor Fluffy is dead again…

Kobolds sens energy crao at Ana…and they miss… cause they suck.

Ana yells in rage and strikes a kobold with an unhealthy looking orange skintone. He is now very seriously injured, the poor dear.

Lyantra throws some poison around and smacks the kobold priest in the mouth. He is now dripping in green poison and looking a bit ill.

Poor Maravein is also looking a bit ill and spends some healing surges so as not to die.

Kobolds lash out at Ana the barbarian and she tales 6 damage.

Evil kobold priest dies from poison.

Ana charges one kobold who is making a run for it. (Howling strike. Can be used with charge.) It dies.

Roland cleaves! All kobolds are now bleeding profusely.

Lyantra throws some chaos bolts around and another kobold sucomes to her wrath.

Fluffy stalker strikes butterfree, who dies.

“Devastating strike. That’s a plus 2”

That’s for mew another pink fluffy kobold representative miniature, but who is obviously tougher then the bunny slippers he resembles. It is also the last kobold on the field, so it also takes some crap from Lyantra, but not from Roland, he misses again.

Showing no mercy, Ana smashes mew in the face, not caring that he had just surrendered.

Mew can now be used to make kobold sandwiches. Socks isn’t into bread, but kobold apparently makes good cat food.

Roland doesn’t recommend sleeping in the cave. So the 4 adventurers and one fat and content earth cat spend a relaxing night sleeping under the stars in Lyantra’s created campsite.

Session One
Nothing opens a campaign like a bar fight...

Our adventure starts in the small town of Riverdown, in “The generic Tavern” The Phil Inn. It’s a quiet night at the Phil Inn, we are arguing at a table in the corner when Roland arrives pertaining the virtues of human beer. He also brings us an illegible guild contract.

After spilling her beer Ana signs up. Maravein consults her spirit companion and signs, as does Lyantra.

They name their team “The Riverdown Rovers”

Ana orders another beer to celebrate.

Roland explains the gist of the contract. Unfortunately guild tabards aren’t free, but membership does come with a get out of jail free card.

Full membership costs 200g. Roland gives our contract to an animal messenger.

Roland immediately has work for us! Yay! Unfortunately some big ass half orcs rock up and throw some insults around, they are specifically interested in Lyantra.

Ana invites them for a beer, but they’re not interested. Roland chats them up about pies. Maraviens spirit companion pulls down poor Timmy poor pants’ trousers and the orcs all laugh.

Joey gets a cushion and describes it as sex for his knees.

The orcs get impatient and start a brawl.

Ana lifts one orc and throws him across the room after doing some military presses. Roland gut punches another one out the window.

Oh it’s on!

Ana flips a table and involves some more patrons. She then charges another half orc in the stomach and he also goes out a window. She roars in triumph all the while.

She bangs her mug on the last remaining upright table and demands more beer!

Lyantra attempts to break the bar and fails, therefore feeling mildly embarrassed.

The town guard finally rocks up and breaks up the fight. Phil decides it was our fault, the bastard! and we foot the bill.

Luckily Lyantra has a Make Whole spell.

Ana sleeps off the beer in the corner while Lyantra spends all night repairing stuff.

Roland is a cheap ass bastard and has no g to to chip in!

Roland sits down like a sissy with a jug of mineral water and talks about possible work.

Ana is still snoring in the corner.

The party decides to go to Winterhaven, to the dragon’s graveyard!

Party has a bio break.

It’s a new game day! Rise and shine!

We eat breakfast, eggs and bread. Ana gets really excited and makes a lot of noise doing squats.

We head to Winterhaven, it’s a beautiful autumn day!

We come across an ominous looking forest! It’s pulsing with unearthly light! oh noes!

“You know what I do at a time like this? Squats!”

Ana does some squats.

Maravien has a private conversation with the spirits. Father Tree informs him that the forest is dead. Its was converted by an evil lich and is very dangerous to travelers (how suprising).

The shortcut through the forest saves a lot of time and Maravein recommends the forest path.

Prince Perivale, the pre-lich leader, is assumed to be dead.

Roland calls for a decision and in front of the shaman, Ana declares she ain’t afraid of no trees! Luckily Maravien has by now realised the limited extent of the barbarian’s intelligence…

Roaming through the forest, we come to an obnoxious old man, Roland takes offense.

Lyantra declares the Roland is an idiot, defusing the situation, but the old jerk then makes some disparaging remarks about women.

Luckily Ana is super energetic this morning after her dozen eggs and she is off running around and doing squats.

Maravien asks the old gimptard to accompany us using secret shammy sign language.

The party elects Maravien to navigate, Hopefully the old bastard will help.

Lyantra senses a disturbance in the force!

Maravien selects the most sinister path.

A line of ambling wombats alerts us to a hole. Luckily Maravien detects that this path would have lead us in an infinite loop, and we continue down the most sinister path.

We get attacked by bats, Ana rolls a 21 and intimidates the bats.

We then elect to follow the panicked bats and discover a magic wind that turns us all into bats and we fly to the center of the forest.

We encounter some earth elementals carrying a harlequin and a 50 foot tower.

“You know what those guys do? squats!”

We manage to avoid the evil gimptart mage hiding in the tower and continue on our way.

We come across another fork, and Maravien rolls a natural 20, allowing us to avoid the last 3 DM challenges! Horrah!

We come to an Eladrin court, and many dead Eladrin are dancing. The old obnoxious jerks shows off his moves. Lyantra excersises diplomancy and asks one dead Eladrin the way out.

“You know what this sissy court needs? Squats!”

The Eladrin is a notourious gossip and rambles for ages. He may have looked like a mindless courtier, but he is actually talking in code!

The old fart buggers off, leaving the shaman and the barbarian with a +2 to attack! Maybe he wasnt such an old grumptard…

After a relaxing night in the forest, and a dozen eggs for Ana for breakfast, the party starts out again…

T – We have a discussion about the geodesic white plane and Kim draws a crappy one in blue. Sue makes tea :)

In order to avoid getting roflstomped by kobolds, Roland advises us how to attack Coppernight hold.

He draws us an exactly accurate mud map.

We can hear small things moving inside. Ana suggests breaking down the gate and waves her axe around.

Ana yells in rage and waves her axe around some more, then starts whaling on the gate.

Roland attempts to vault the gate and fails. The gate splinters into many many small pieces and reveals a recently unconscious Kobold, who did not foresee danger in a yelling barbarian wailing on the gate.

One kobold throws a spear which hits Ana in the shoulder, she is not happy and screams in rage.

Maravien unleashes the power of winter spirits and one Kobold falls to the ground!

Spears are fired from every direction! Two more hit Ana causing her to rage even Louder.

Lyantra unleashes storm bolts at the enemy! One kobold goes down! The storm energy then ricochets off the fence but unfortunately goes into the ground.

Ana is paralised with rage! And chooses to delay her turn.

Maravein’s spirit companion lashes out at the Kobolds and another falls to the ground.

Ana is still not clear headed enough for appropriate aiming and misses

Javelins fly through the air, mostly striking the fence, but one strikes Ana in the chest. She is now seriously injured! (but no less angry)

Lyantra moves toward the fray, and sends a chaos bolt at an obnoxious looking Kobold.

All this time Roland is having trouble vaulting the fence! Someone needs to do some squats!

He finally gets over and roars in triumph! He attempts to intimidate the Kobolds and fails…

Ana has finally become clear headed enough to wield her maul effectively. She smashes her maul at an obnoxious pink Kobold, and this time, doesn’t miss! Smashing the Kobolod into a pancake and splashing blood everywhere.

Maravein calls on the power of the spirits to heal her injured ally. She also calls again on the spirits of winter to smite her enemy!

Seeing their companions fall, the Kobolds are none too pleased. They make some pot shots with a fire sling.

Having just killed some of their number, Maravein is their first target, and is seriously injured.

Having not learned from his previous failed attempts at jumping. Roland attempts to tackle the kobolds, taking two oppotunities attacks to the face!

All this time Maravein has been stuck to the wall because of a glue attack, unfortunately because of this and the fire sling attack, she is now on fire!

According to our mighty and powerful DM, this is nothing to be concerned about.

Thanks to Lyantra and her fire of death, another Kobold bites the dust.

Ana risks the stairs and charges, another kobold is smashed into paste.

Maravein is now glued, on fire and unconcious, he is not having a good afternoon.

Two green orbs fly towards Lyantra, they hit and she takes 18 damage.

A fire orb flys towards Ana and misses.

“Orbs! I hate those things!”

Roland sure strikes for the win…

…and misses.

Lyantra is pissed and thunder strikes! Pink kobold dies and falls into the mine.

Panic shreaks erupt from the mine.

Ana screams in triumph and strikes another Kobold, owning it.

The last Kobold escapes in panic down the mine after watching his companions get systematically roflstomped.

“That’s what you get for not doing any squats!”

Welcome to your Adventure Log!
A blog for your campaign

Every campaign gets an Adventure Log, a blog for your adventures!

While the wiki is great for organizing your campaign world, it’s not the best way to chronicle your adventures. For that purpose, you need a blog!

The Adventure Log will allow you to chronologically order the happenings of your campaign. It serves as the record of what has passed. After each gaming session, come to the Adventure Log and write up what happened. In time, it will grow into a great story!

Best of all, each Adventure Log post is also a wiki page! You can link back and forth with your wiki, characters, and so forth as you wish.

One final tip: Before you jump in and try to write up the entire history for your campaign, take a deep breath. Rather than spending days writing and getting exhausted, I would suggest writing a quick “Story So Far” with only a summary. Then, get back to gaming! Grow your Adventure Log over time, rather than all at once.


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